If Walls Could Talk

MORNING

Wall 1- Shhhh he's coming!

*Walls 2,3, and 4 quickly hush as the doorknob turns and Steve enters his bedroom.

(Walls thinking to themselves)

Wall 2-Hello there Steve. Forget something?

Steve-Where the hell is it?

Wall 3-Idiot. Your wallet is over here on the dresser.

Wall 1-Oh...lightbulb. There ya go, on the dresser.

Wall 4-Hurry it up Steve, Chris will be here soon (chuckle).

*Steve rushes out of the room, shoving his wallet in his back pocket and slamming the door behind him

Steve- Bye dear, be home round 6.

Barbara- Alright, have a good day!

Wall 3- God, he's clueless.

Wall 2- Hey what time is it?

Wall 4- 8:47 and 15...17...20 seconds.

Wall 1- Only 13 more minutes. (Sigh)

Wall 2- I almost feel sorry for the guy.

Wall 3- I'm feelin a little sorry for you. Look at that thing you're wearing. I'd say one of the worst bowls of fruit I've ever seen. I think she got it from a Super 8.

Wall 2- (Embarrassed) Shut up.

Wall 3- She's coming!

Wall 4- 8:49 now.

Walls 1,2, and 3- Shhhhhh!

*Barbara enters the room and lightly strolls across the room humming happily. She then enters the adjoining bathroom as all the walls watch with interest.

(Walls whispering)

Wall 4- What's she doing? I can't see.

Wall 1- She's doing her make-up.

*Barbara enters the room again and rummages around in her dresser. She exits to the bathroom carrying a lacy, pink ensemble.

Wall 1- Aaaand now undressing. (Whistles approval) Putting on a pink little number. Doing her hair. Oh man, I wish you guys could see this. She's doing a little dance now. Attempting to be sexy I think. Wow.

*Walls 1, 3, and 4 chuckle quietly

*Barbara enters the bedroom and turns on the radio. An uptempo song with a female singer blasts from the radio. Barbara begins a twirling, hand-flailing dance, much to the enjoyment of the walls. Barbara proceeds to do her hair and finishes this routine process with a dainty twirl through a mist of perfume.

DING DONG!

*Barbara checks her reflection one last time before rushing out of the room excitedly.

Wall 1-Chris is heeeeere.

Wall 2-It's almost not even fun to watch anymore. I'm getting numb to the whole situation.

Wall 3-Are you kidding me? This is the best part of my day. Steve is boring as hell. And when those retarded little kids come runnin' in here...Jesus Christ.

Wall 1-I have to agree. And Barbara's always in such a good mood afterward.

Wall 2-You don't feel a little sorry for Steve? The guy goes to work every day and comes home to a wife he thinks loves him. And whenever he goes in for the kill, boom! she's got a headache and he's left watching Letterman. Don't get me wrong, he is pretty clueless, but you have to feel kind of sorry for him.

Wall 4-I like Chris. Screamer, that one.

*Barbara giggles in the distance as footsteps close in on the bedroom.

Wall 3-Here we go.

*Barbara enters the room backwards, lips attached to a young blonde woman in bright yellow sundress. She looks like she'd steal your car, but you wouldn't mind. They fall onto the bed and begin kissing passionately as the walls look on intently.

After an hour of what is best described as passionate, lesbian sex, Chris gathers her clothes and Barbara walks with her out of the bedroom. The walls then partake of their usual commentary on the lascivious events and Barbara begins her normal routine of cleaning, picking the kids up from school, and cooking the family dinner. Steve later comes home to his lovely wife and two young children. All is usual.

Later that night Steve and Barbara lie in bed. Steve reads the paper and glances up from time to time at the TV. Barbara is reading a magazine. Steve sets his paper on the night stand and leans over to give Barbara a kiss. She returns the gesture, but only halfheartedly. Steve puts more into the kiss, as Barbara continues to read her magazine behind Steve's head. He slowly moves his hand toward her breast and she pulls away quickly.

Barbara-Sorry dear, think I'm coming down with something. Better get some rest. Good night.

*Barbara turns off her nightlight and rolls over.

Steve-Oh...Ok. Good night. Love you.

*Barbara pretends to be asleep. The walls watch with little interest as the routine continues. Except for Wall 2.

(Several minutes pass)

Wall 2- Hey! Wake up!

*Barbara and Steve stir and look around, highly confused.

Wall 2-You're wall is talking, now listen up. She's cheating on you and she's a lesbian. I don't care what you do, but that's the deal.

(Walls 1 and 3 are stunned into silence)

Wall 4-Uhhhh sorry? (sheepishly)

Steve- Wha?

Barbara-We need to move.